I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
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Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
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My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
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The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.