I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
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Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
Wednesday
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”