I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
You Might Also Like
…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?
man: wait
time: no
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Sex so good you see dead people.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake