I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
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So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
tinder is all about the long game
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir