Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.

Enter new password

“336Hours”

Your password is two weeks

I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔

So, I turned it into wine.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*

Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise

Be Careful Driving

#BostonBlizzard2015

Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠

I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.

You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.

The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.

Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.

I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.

This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.

Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal

“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.