I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
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Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.