I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
