I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
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I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
#Caturday
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Cow it started Cow it’s going
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.