I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
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Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon