I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
You Might Also Like
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.