I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
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pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Ugh but profoundly
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea