I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
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My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
This is the best one I’ve seen
