I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
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Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed