I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
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Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Ugh
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian