I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
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When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats