I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
You Might Also Like
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Love is always patient and kind.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
security at the airport getting more straightforward