i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
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He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
We don’t deserve birds.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.