i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
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our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
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Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt