i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
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Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.
Bond. Trauma bond.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.