I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
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My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
😂💯
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Me: “I wanna fit into my old clothes again”
Google: “Eat differently”
Me: “No, not like that”
Google: “Exercise more”
Me: “Not like that”
Google: “Leave me alone then”
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.