I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
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*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
New nose
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
hear me out: A Netflix series where MMA champions go undercover to Eagles games wearing the opposing team’s jersey
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Good morning
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit