Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve

her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN

[frogs start falling from sky]

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.

In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…

Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch

Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.

Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.

My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.

Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!

The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO

No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.