Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.

oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you

♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫

Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.

My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.

Amazon Tracking:

1. We’re not sure it exists.

2. Your package has arrived.

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:

Waking up has backfired on me so many times

Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.

The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.

Don’t ask me how evolution works!

tourist season

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact

My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.

Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.

Me: *coughs*

Coworker:

Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.

Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.

Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

Me: 🙂

Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it

Me: 😐

Facial recognition: noooo?

Me: 🤨

Facial recognition: no

Me: 😒

Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no

Me: 🥴

Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE

Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me

Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????