Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

[shakes fist at other fist]

Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’

Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’

[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese

Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood

wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?

Cop:

Me:

Cop: Speeding

Me: Oh phew!

bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”

i won

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]

Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji

I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.

[titanic, 1912]

Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich

First mate: ICEBERG

Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”

Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌

:-for the notifications to go away✅

Waiter: pumpkin pie?

Me: ok, …. darling

Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.

Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH

Me: lmao go ahead I can take it

Townspeople: you have a dumb face

Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it

This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.