I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
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Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
☠️ ☠️
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
j o i m p
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works