I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
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The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
be safe out there!
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*