Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.

[husband and wife decide to try swinging]

Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you

Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!

Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.

[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!

My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america

Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.

HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911

Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.

#SometimesForFun I update signs at work

Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.

January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT

When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”

Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.

Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

medusa: look into my gaze

me:

dwayne johnson: did it do anything?

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.