I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
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I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.