I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
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*orders delivery*
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.