Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*

*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets

ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*

Growing up was a huge mistake

For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)

In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons

Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.

Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”

When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.

My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:

Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.