I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
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wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
*seductively eats two tums*
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
[dinner party]
GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.
ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?
[everyone slowly turns their head]
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?