I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
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Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.