Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?

“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”

-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning

Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.

Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir

A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”

What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”

2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!

Me: He is? How?

2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!

Me:

*first day as a dog catcher

“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”

4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?

Me: You were born 3 years later.

4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.

I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard

accurate