Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.

You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance

I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.

What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.

If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.

Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.

Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

*tries hard*

*fails*

*tries flaccid*

My front facing camera:

Me: I disagree.

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

Oh. My. God.

Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound

Me: omg

Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?

Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you

Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.