I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
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You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts