I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
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Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Catering service
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN