I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
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Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Hitlers gonna hitl
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Unexpected Judgment
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.