I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
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me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?