I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
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*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Hey i am sexy to you now
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻♀️
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”