I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
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When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
