I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
