Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.

Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…

Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special

meowth: hey

team rocket: we need it

meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk

team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do

Meowth: guys

team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.

Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band

March, April May

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…

Thank Satan it’s Monday.

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.