I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
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[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Sunday
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”