I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
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even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.