Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*

7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*

yes yes a thousand times yes!

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”

Staring out into the horizon..

Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic

[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]

Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.

She bought me eye drops.

My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

somewhere, in an alternate universe

Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place

(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*

“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house