I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
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Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I’ve been saving these cleavage crumbs just for you babe.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…