Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…

“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.

My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.

TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:

1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie

[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good

me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?

Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary

A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN

HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

Me when they’re trying to close the buffet

[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”

I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise

COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude

To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.

Stop feeding it!

#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning

You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:

Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house

I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!

Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!

[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot

receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference

me: perfect tell me all about it

receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good

Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up

Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.

Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good

– Jack and the beans talk

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.