I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.

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I could’ve sworn there was less grunting and moaning the last time I put these pants on…

Maybe the donut in my mouth muffled it


I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.


I tailgated a cop who pulled out of the doughnut shop so he’d know what it feels like when he follows me from the bars.


Ever find a mirror that makes you look really good and you’re like oh OK this is where I live now I live in this airport restroom now


Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.


The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.


Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”


Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.


[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”


(commercial for drugs)

Man: Nothing is working out in my life
VO: Have you tried drugs?
Man: (startled) Who said that

Narrator: “Drugs”