I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
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drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
i can’t wait that long
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.