Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed

Don’t come back here with your bullshit.

Me, coming back with my bullshit:

me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t

In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.

My neck, my back, my…

In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.

I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.

🥃

Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words

Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.

My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that

*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]

Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven

‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’

-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.

The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.

Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.

This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.

My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends

Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.

I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.