I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
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SF is the wild wild west man
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Its a hippotatomus
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet