Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.

Superman is strong enough to move the moon, and can fly fast enough to reverse the earth’s rotation, but his most impressive ability is having a steady journalism job.

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

Me, walking into my mom’s house

16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*

One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?

Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want

All 4 teen boys: *grin*

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.

My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped

Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

satan: welcome to hell

me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?

s: yup all you can read!

m: wow!

s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?

me, nervously: yes..why?

*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*

m: aw hell

My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.

Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit

“We’re still looking for a side project”

Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses

“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”

surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson

This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.

me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.

According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?

“No”

[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?