I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

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But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.


Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?


[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine


Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.


Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.


Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread


him: *dying* avenge me


widow: ok who put him in the thor costume


How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father


[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself