I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
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A ghost story
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95