@Darlainky

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

- @Darlainky

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The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.

@DrakeGatsby

*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*

@ceejoyner

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

@Hormonella

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

@mattZillaaaa

I’m 30 but I still feel like I’m 20
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@TheBoydP

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@ClichedOut

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

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@AsgardianRose

To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…

Are you okay? How does that even happen?

@JohnLyonTweets

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

@CheryeDavis

My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD Bin at Walmart….