I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
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I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?