Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

ME: Tell me my future.

PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.

ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph

10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]

Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait

Me: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: how do you like it

Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.

The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

Santa is always broke after Christmas.

That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

Destined to be a firefighter from birth.

You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.