Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

i thought lingerie was a type of noodle

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?

The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?

*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*

The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.

I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them

The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.

receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?

They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed