Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

What are WE?
WRITERS!!!

What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!

When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest

I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦

Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,

Pee on it and walk away.”

Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.

It’s on my to-do list.

I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.

American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.

Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.

American:

Brit:

American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT

“I’m not racist but…” – Britain

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

7: mom what’s chicken made of?

me: um, chicken

7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?

me: no…

7: how about our dog?

me: *rips up application to harvard*

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

87.5% of marriage is just marriag.

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!