Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.

I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.

Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.

Boss: You mean up?

Me: No, updog.

Boss: What’s updog?

Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.

Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.

Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.

instagram: look at my new boyfriend

twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend

reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours

[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me

judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God

a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!

The Fast and the Furious.

– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches

My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?

Me: beware the clyde of march

Clyde: I’m standing right here

Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.

Just did a big green poo by a canal

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

[First day of jury duty]

*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?

Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?

Me: 👌

My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”

So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.

My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.