I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
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I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair