I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
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When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?