Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.

Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials

After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.

when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.

Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.

are there any atheist mantises?

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.

My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.

When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”

I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.

Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

You get to choose which path you take.

I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?

“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.

“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr