I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
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google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.