I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
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How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Love is always patient and kind.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.