I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
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[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
just arby’s bein’ a bro
Seems legit
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it