Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks

Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not

Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH

I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.

you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person

me: I’m in a terrible mood

friend: try drinking some water

me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated

[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better

I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.

So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.

when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses

Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”

cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes

boxer: but there’s SO many eyes

mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*