I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
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Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Noah was an idiot.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.