I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
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Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.