I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
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A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
For those that worship cheese..
As per my last nervous breakdown
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
A game married people play.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.