I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
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I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:
Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.
Man to the left of me: Please don’t.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
They’re really bad with fonts.
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something