I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
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forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Good point.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!