I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
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me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th