I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
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People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
getting seasonal up in here
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
🙀🙀🙀😹
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?