I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
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[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months