I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
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I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS