If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I went to an AA meeting, met a lot of batteries
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People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
I’d rather listen to Chewbacca get a bikini wax than listen to Pitbull’s music
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 44.’
I’m not a fan of diarrhea jokes, I mean that shits been done all over the place.
Relationship status: outside my wife’s window, holding John Cusack over my head.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”