@probnotbob

I went to an AA meeting, met a lot of batteries

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@lazerdoov

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

@junejuly12

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

@fro_vo

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then

@DepressedDarth

I’d rather listen to Chewbacca get a bikini wax than listen to Pitbull’s music

@better_off_dad2

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 44.’

@IndecisiveJones

I’m not a fan of diarrhea jokes, I mean that shits been done all over the place.

@yonewt

Relationship status: outside my wife’s window, holding John Cusack over my head.

@GingerHotDish

Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?

Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?

You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?

*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.

@Parkerlawyer

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”