I received my first unsolicited goat pic. Not kidding.
I went to an AA meeting, met a lot of batteries
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As a child, it really stressed me out that Rocky was late to his second fight with Apollo Creed. I mean, don’t be late to that.
Live a little, ask her “are ya done?” while she’s still yelling at you.
Religious places never have free WiFi because no religion wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Meet your girlfriend’s brother then realize you’re screwing the female version of a guy.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”