@probnotbob

I went to an AA meeting, met a lot of batteries

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@joekellyjk47

As a child, it really stressed me out that Rocky was late to his second fight with Apollo Creed. I mean, don’t be late to that.

@TheMichaelRock

Live a little, ask her “are ya done?” while she’s still yelling at you.

@Soberphobiccc

Religious places never have free WiFi because no religion wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

@david8hughes

“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”

@MissHavisham

I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.

@juliussharpe

Meet your girlfriend’s brother then realize you’re screwing the female version of a guy.

@a_simpl_man

*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying

@xLiserx

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

@SarahKSilverman

From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”