I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
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5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Coffee for people with no kids
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
we squint at the sun because it’s bright
we squint at people because they are not…
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway