I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
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just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you