I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
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He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.