I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
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I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
I don’t make the rules sorry
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
just make the entire table out of coaster
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now