Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’

Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.

me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty

Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.

Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.

Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.

I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank

every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys

These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.

Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!

Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.

How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face

During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.

“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations

“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations

driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person

Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is