Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.

My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.

ME: wow your correct

FRIEND: *you’re

ME: -ions are presumptuous

i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.

Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?

10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled

Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

My one-year-old niece has started saying “bye-bye” when she wants people to leave. Honestly, I’ve never been so influenced by a toddler before

“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

me: i can handle my alcohol

5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish

[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?

WIFE: For real

ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.

When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019