I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
You Might Also Like
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
turning my gender off to conserve energy
need a new bf mines broken 😐
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Who called it baking and not making love
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
philosophical skeletons be like
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.