Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

Got the results of my history exam.

Past.

If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

Who were the kings of disco?

A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees

Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!

Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”

AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.

THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Phew
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Phew ✔
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The Chosen Phew

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.

If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”

Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”

If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.

My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.

My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.