Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old

Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from

I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…

Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?

Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*

Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it

Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*

When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”

If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.

I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read

I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.

Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off

Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.

When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.

Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.

I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”

I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?

I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.

So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff

I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???

“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”

* me, in public on more than one occasion.

It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.

Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.