I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
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More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.